When you’re having doubts about the potential of a relationship, how wide of a berth do you give it? At two months into dating British beau Riley, that question continued to linger for me.
Having turned thirty just before meeting Riley, I was feeling a heightened pressure to figure out what exactly our future would be together. Knowing he felt more for me than I did for him only complicated things. I now Open The Vault and take you back to the spring of 2004…
April 2, 2004
Riley is away in Arizona this week. It feels like he’s been gone a lot longer — but I don’t know if that’s because I miss him or because I’m not as a crazy about him as he is about me. Either way, I’m no longer sure my obsessing about our future indicates a readiness for commitment.
I’m still in the process of reestablishing myself here in New York, and I firmly believe that I need to be complete within myself before I can fully commit to a long-term relationship. Still, I’m going to try and take everyone’s advice and just see where my chemistry with Riley takes us.
* * *
Riley returned last night, and we had an amazing time. Being with him was so wonderful — until the subject of relationships came up.
Riley said our week apart confirmed the depth of his feelings. I, of course, spent much of the week brooding about my doubts. Riley asked me what I want for the future, mercifully offering to answer that question first.
“I’m ready to settle down and meet the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with,” he declared. “And I wouldn’t be with you unless I could see our relationship going somewhere.”
“I need to take things one step at a time,” I said, repeating what I’ve told him before. “And I can’t really think about a long-term commitment when my job situation and other areas of my life aren’t settled.”
So, in theory I suppose, I’ve been honest with Riley. Why then, do I keep feeling guilty? And for how long should I give this a chance? I know I said six months, but if I’m still uncertain at the three or four month mark, I should probably walk away.
* * *
A major milestone for me would make me reconsider my feelings for Riley — and put off dealing with the irrevocable divide we couldn’t get past.