Even when you know a relationship is doomed, it isn’t easy to call it quits. I was struggling with that very dilemma during my ill-fated romance with British beau .
A milestone anniversary only brought the reality that I wasn’t in love with him into sharper focus. I now Open The Vault and take you back to the spring of 2004…
May 28, 2004
Four months ago, Riley and I went out of the first time. Sadly, this occasion only reinforces that the majority of our time together is over.
At midnight, Riley reiterated how happy he is with me—
“I still can’t believe I have such a beautiful woman in my life.”
We reminisced about our first date – which now seems so long ago. If only this could be a happy milestone for me. Instead, the more loving and tender Riley, the greater the guilt that I feel knowing he’s not the one…And it’s not hard to feel like I’m misleading him somehow by going on vacation with him. A friend, though, says cancelling the trip would seem so drastic and probably hurt even more and I think that’s true.
The weekend after we get back, Riley is going to Florida to finalize his green card approval. Somehow, I’m going to try and summon the strength to end things when he gets back. It will only get more difficult after that, because Riley’s supposed to meet the family and go to a wedding with me.
It’s so hard. Riley loves me completely and unconditionally. I wish with all of my heart I felt the same way.
* * *
I’m finally understanding how true it is that to be happy with another person, you must first be happy with yourself – and I’m not. I don’t feel settled in any area of my life other than residentially. I’m only semi employed, I’m out of shape and my organizational abilities need a major overhaul. How can I make a long-term commitment when I have so much work to do on myself?
“You make up for so many things in my life,” Riley once told me – a statement that scared me and from which he later tried to backpedal. I can’t compensate for what’s missing from his world, any more than I can expect him to do that for me.
* * *
May 31st, 2004
I find myself getting more annoyed with Riley’s quirks, and more anxious to be free of agonizing over our relationship. Every time he says something that alludes to the future, or is seeking reassaurance, I remain silent or change the subject. Because I can no longer pretend everything is okay.
* * *
Despite my emotional retreat from Riley a long-awaited trip together left me more confused – and wondering how to say goodbye.
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